


Screwing Around

by scatter



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Community: badbadbathhouse, Humor, M/M, Teaching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-05
Updated: 2011-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-19 00:30:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/194908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scatter/pseuds/scatter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dojima walks in on him and Yosuke, Souji pretends to be completely clueless about sex and asks that Dojima explain it to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Screwing Around

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt at the Persona 4 Kink Meme: _Dojima catches Souji and Yosuke kissing, and decides to give Souji "the talk." Souji totally fucks with him, by pretending to be completely innocent and naive, prompting Dojima to get into more and more embarrassing detail._

"Go home early," Dojima's boss had said. "Enjoy the sun; spend some time with your daughter. There's nothing wrong with taking a break every once in a while."

Dojima wasn’t sure he was ever going to take him up on that offer again.

It had sounded good. The murder case was going nowhere and Dojima knew he could use a few hours of relaxation to recharge his batteries. Plus, Nanako would be so happy to see him; Souji was always around to take care of and play with her but she still looked forward to the moment Dojima came home.

So he stopped by Junes to pick her up a little something – he didn't run into the Hanamura kid; he must have had the day off – and get some fresh ingredients for dinner. Maybe he could convince Souji to cook again; the kid was better in the kitchen than anyone Dojima knew. He stepped through the front door in a good mood. A great mood. Nothing could ruin it.

Except walking forward and seeing Souji and Hanamura kissing on the couch.

Very enthusiastic kissing that seemed too much for such a simple word. They were making out, hands all over each other, and Souji was stretched along the length of the couch with Hanamura on top of him. Souji had his knee between Hanamura's legs and they were rocking against each other like two horny teenagers. Hanamura's headphones were still around his neck – surgically attached? – and the obnoxiously loud music coming out of them prevented them from hearing Dojima's shocked sputter and they didn't show signs of looking his way anytime soon. He took a deep breath and put his shopping bag on the floor, forcing himself to think calmly.

He could deal with this; he was a detective. He'd seen weirder things, worse things—

Hanamura put a hand under Souji's knee, got between his legs, and started thrusting. One of them moaned lewdly or maybe they both did.

—just never in his own home, and Hanamura was not about to come on his couch.

Dojima walked over to the pair with a glower. Souji opened his eyes just in time to see him reach down, grab Hanamura by the hair, and yank his head back.

"Stop dry humping my nephew and leave."

As Hanamura fell off the couch and went to get his shoes, Souji sat up. Dojima shook his head. "Stay right there. We have to talk."

Hanamura looked at Souji, face red. "I'll, uh—"

"Out, Hanamura."

Souji leaned around Dojima and said, "Bye, Yosuke," as he left.

Hanamura stuck an arm back in and waved.

"Souji, what were you two doing? And where's Nanako?" If they had been doing this while she was napping, he was going to smack Souji.

"Kissing," he said blandly, mouth red from just that, "and she's at the park. I told her to call when she wanted to come home and I'd pick her up."

"Looked like you were doing more than that," Dojima said, picking up the abandoned shopping bag and starting to put the groceries away. "Hanamura was probably two seconds away from having sex with you."

On Dojima's couch. He'd have to get it cleaned.

"Dojima-san," Souji said after a moment, voice so condescending that Dojima's head snapped up, "boys can't have sex."

"What?" Dojima wondered if he'd heard that correctly. "Of course they can, Souji, didn't your health class teach you this?"

"I was sick that day."

"What, the whole week?"

"Food poisoning. How do you do it?"

"It's…" Dojima stared at the cabbage in his hand. He must have put that in his basket when he'd been thinking of Adachi. "It's like how you'd have sex with a woman but—"

"Men don't have…girl parts," Souji said, blushing.

'Girl parts'? Souji had to know the correct name for those.

"I was getting to that. Like I was saying, you use…the back entrance."

"The what?"

"You're… Seriously, how can you not know this?" Dojima couldn't believe, with Souji's high grades and all the random knowledge he showed when watching the quiz programs with Nanako, that he'd be completely clueless about this. How did he expect to fool around with Hanamura if he didn't know anything?

"Mom didn't want me to know anything or she said I'd get too curious and catch something. She said I'd just figure it out when I needed to use it." Souji looked down, embarrassed. "I…is it weird to not know all of this?"

"It's…unusual," Dojima admitted. Kids these days knew everything from TV or their friends or movies. He would have thought Souji would have been more than educated on this subject. "But it doesn't make you weird," he added when Souji's face fell.

"Can you teach me then?" Souji glanced at him hopefully. "I don’t want to look like an idiot in front of Yosuke. I think he's going to want to do something more soon and I want to know what to do."

"You're kind of supposed learn this stuff when you're with your partner," Dojima said, searching for a way out of this conversation and wishing he hadn't used the word partner. That was their weird little nickname for each other and now he was never going to be able to hear them say it without remembering this.

"But I don't know anything," Souji whined. "This—going in the back entrance thing, how does that work? Isn't it too small? Won't it hurt? That's an exit, you know."

"I know that, but if prepare it you can make use of it. You…stretch it," Dojima mumbled. "With your fingers."

Don't ask how he knew this, don't ask how he knew this—

"How do you know this?"

Dammit, Souji. "Cases. We get a lot stuff where… Look, you just pick up some knowledge, okay?"

"So you stick your fingers in and that makes the hole big enough."

"You ease your fingers in, you don't just stick them, and you stretch slowly so that you don't hurt your…partner. And you use something to make the way slicker, lube usually, or spit if you can't get anything else."

Souji stuck his tongue out and crossed his eyes trying to look at it.

"Yeah, you…you can use your tongue. Souji, stop doing that, you look like an idiot."

"Sorry." Souji flexed his fingers and looked at them as if imagining—ugh, Dojima didn't want to think about it. "So you do that and then you just stick your penis in. And…do what you'd do to a girl? Just push?"

"More or less," Dojima muttered, putting the last of the groceries away.

"How's that supposed to feel good?"

"There's a spot inside the male body and when you hit it feels…it's supposed to feel really good. And sometimes you reach around to touch your partner." Okay, there had to be another word to use.

"And for the guy with his penis up some guy's butt?" Souji asked. "What's good about that? It sounds dirty."

"It's the pressure," Dojima said, eyes on the countertop and wishing Souji wouldn't stare at him. This was awkward enough without Souji wanting to make eye contact. At least blink. "The heat, the friction. It's kind of like when you use your hand but better, much better—"

"Use your hand? For what?"

Impossible. "To—to masturbate, of course."

Souji gazed at him blankly.

"You're never done that."

"Mom said unless you're using the bathroom or washing it, leave it alone."

Dojima was going to have to have a long, long talk with his sister. "What did you think I meant a second ago when I said you touch your partner?"

Souji shrugged. "Just…touching him, right? Rubbing his stomach or something."

"That's close, but not quite what I had in mind. Look, you've gotten erections, right? What do you do then?"

"Wait for them to go away," Souji said. "What else can you do?"

Dojima groaned. "Wet dreams. You've had to have touched yourself after one of those."

"Wet…? Well, I did have a dream about Yosuke the other day where he was touching—"

"I don’t need to know."

"Oh, okay. Anyway, when I woke up there was stuff all over my sheets – like, _all over_ – but that only happens when I'm sleeping. What, you can make yourself do that when you're awake?" He made a face. "Why? It's so messy."

Dojima ran a hand down his face and looked at Souji for signs of deceit. He had to be tricking him, right? He couldn't be this damn naive. But Souji's face was a perfectly innocent mask of frustrated confusion.

Dojima was starting to feel frustrated himself. "Alright, don’t interrupt me; I'm going to say this quick before I change my mind because I'm suddenly very, very tired. When you masturbate, you use your hand – usually, there's other things you can do but don’t worry about them now – to stimulate your penis until you have an orgasm, which is the feeling you get at the end of a good wet dream. It's messy, yeah, but it's the end result."

"Wait, so all those times Yosuke wanted me to put my hand down his pants, he wanted me to do that to him? Touch and stimulate his penis?" Souji's eyes went wide at this new information.

The last thing Dojima wanted to picture was Hanamura getting to second base with his nephew, but now it was in his head. Thanks for that, Souji.

"Probably."

"And what about the time he put his mouth on the front of my pants and su—"

"You know what, Souji? I think we're done." Dojima headed towards the stairs. "I'm going to go—" Wash his brain out, call his sister, and maybe cry a bit, not necessarily in that order. "—take a shower and I'd like you to make something for dinner tonight. Can you look at what I bought and see what you can do with it?"

"Oh, sure, but…our lesson? Because it felt really good when Yosuke licked—"

Dojima wasn't going to let Hanamura around the house for a week. A month. "Later, we'll—later."

By which he meant never again.

That night, Yosuke winced when he saw Souji's number on his cell but picked up on the first ring. "Does your uncle hate me?" He was sure he was never going to be allowed in the Dojima residence again.

"No," Souji said, sounding happier than Yosuke thought he would after the earlier mess, "but he thinks I'm an idiot."

"Huh? What for?"

"He said you looked like you wanted to have sex with me and I told him I didn't know anything about sex. Or masturbation. Or, well, anything." Souji laughed. "So I asked him to explain it all to me."

"You liar."

"I felt kind of bad, but you should have seen his face when I said I'd never touched myself."

"You idiot, I can't believe you did that." He said it fondly, used to Souji's weird sense of humor, but really, Dojima was going to kill him if he ever found out. He might kill Yosuke too, just because.

"I think you would have gotten a kick hearing me."

"Haha, probably." More likely he would have spent the whole time worrying that Dojima was going to hurt him.

"Hey, Yosuke?" Souji's voice dropped, sounding a little confused. "You know, I've got one hand down my pants from thinking about you, but I don’t know what to do with it. Why don't you help me out and tell me what to do?"

"A—a hand down your pants, huh?" Yosuke's dick twitched, reminding him that he hadn't been able to get off earlier. "That sounds good."

"It _feels_ good, but I want to feel better. And, _aaah_ , I'll even spread my legs nice and wide so I can reach everything. Yosuke, I'm so hard and wet – I'm _dripping_ , partner – that I don't know what to do with myself." Souji panted. Yosuke pressed the phone harder to his ear. "You'll help me out, right?"

"Oh, fuck yeah, I will." Yosuke started to ease his own pants down and paused. "Uh, but first…"

He got up and made sure his door was locked. Hell if he was going to have his parents walk in on him.


End file.
